Believe For It

Hey fam.

Let's get cozy, and go a little deeper...

A joyful couple shares a moment during a prenatal ultrasound appointment, gazing at the monitor with anticipation.

A Roller Coaster Introduction to Motherhood

I've shared bits and pieces of my birth story. To be honest, I'd rather forget most parts, as it was still in the height of the covid pandemic.

To simply put it, my intro into motherhood was by no means easy, and there were so many walls built when it came to entertaining the possibility of going through another pregnancy and birth. The hurt felt so unbearable. The disappointment and anger I felt towards God felt so shameful.

So, I kept it buried.

I disguised it with a false contentment. "One is enough." I still believe that to be true, but at the time, that statement was wielded as a weapon toward anyone who tried to inquire about when I'd have another child. It was either that or, "If you'd like to have one for me, please let me know." Yeah...I know.

I just wanted the questions to stop.

I was trying to embrace this beautiful new chapter, and I was struggling. I felt so alone at times. I know more about support groups, classes, and activities for mommies and newborns/babies now, but things were still limited until about late 2022- early 2023, give or take. So, most days, I was home alone with a new baby. I did have occasional check-ins from family and friends, which I'm extremely grateful for, and that's what helped me not to go over the edge.

Putting It All Out There

I knew all of my unprocessed trauma was bleeding into other areas in my life. I needed to tell God everything.

How could I tell the God of the universe that I was angry with Him? How could I form my mouth to say that I was disappointed in the fact that one of the biggest life moments that I had been waiting for felt like the biggest pile of crap?!

Sim, He already knew.

Yes, I know, but saying it out loud was finally admitting all of the things I was too scared to say. Then, I had to admit that I felt like my body failed me. Betrayed me.

Maybe if my blood pressure didn't sky rocket out of nowhere, there may have been a chance to have what I would've considered a "normal" birth experience.

How in the world could it possibly look like I had covid?! #antibodies

My husband and family could've been there. Instead, I was alone...

In my heart, the decision was made. "If this is what its going to be like, I NEVER want to do this again! This will NEVER happen to me, again!"

I braced for the wrath that I thought would follow. It never came.

Peace did.

"...and the walls came tumbling down..."

Dream On

As I mentioned in "To Begin Again," there were some difficult discussions that needed to happen. Counseling. Accountability. All while life was very much still life-ing. Over time, the very hard NO, became a "We'll pray about it" which became a "We'll entertain it" to a...

"We'll try and leave the rest to God."

Only God could do that. Only He could heal my heart, help me walk through that season, and place amazing people around me.

Now that I have been empowered with more information and as I continually work on releasing the fear of the unknown to the God who sees and knows me, the idea isn't so scary anymore. In fact, I can honestly say I welcome it with open arms. Hey, if another little one pops on the scene, we're grateful. If it doesn't happen, we're grateful. Either way, I know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for us. I know for myself that our test can be used as a testimony. God will get the glory.

I'm forever grateful to Him.

Have you been through a challenging season? Let's talk about it. Comment below.